300 Years Pt. 1 

My fingernails are bloody 

from raking over my body 

for the last 30 years 

or 300

checking every imperfection 

every swell, every curve

Am I bigger here?

Is that getting smaller?

What a tragic distraction

They taught me to hate 

my body 

Before I even understood 

what love was

They took my power​

And replaced it with 

Fear

Obsession

Self-loathing 

People pleasing 

Over achieving 

Hardness where there should have been 

softness

grace 

love 

Almost everyone woman who

has walked before me 

and with me

knows this battle 

We have normalized it 

Commercialized it

Profited from it

People will love you if you just exercise all the time and not like normal exercise, if you don't throw up you're doing it wrong, train your body to wait to eat until you can't bare it any more and mess up all your hunger cues for the rest of your life, but when you do eat make sure you are tracking everything, weigh yourself constantly because that number is all that matters, and berate yourself for not losing more weight, take another laxative so the food you eat doesn't stick so you can lose more weight until the people who praised and finally accepted you for losing weight are now whispering behind your back, teachers organize meetings to make sure you eat but no one TALKS to you about it, no one SEES you, so you keep it up until you get away from the high school bullies and starting eating again but that leads to you putting on weight because your body was starving...now people accuse you of being depressed, not taking care of yourself because your supposed to grow and change but not where your weight is concerned so you marry the only boy who paid you any attention because you figure it is better to put up with violent outbursts and gaslighting then be alone forever because who was going to love you anyway and when you finally get the courage up to say this isn't working you are told it's because you got fat again then after the divorce (thank the heavens) you turn to food and booze because you've never learned good coping strategies and once again are accused of being depressed and not taking care of yourself but this time it's true and you hate that it's true so you start working out like crazy again, ignoring your hunger, getting the nourishment from people noticing you again, praising you for "taking care of yourself" on your Facebook before and after pictures that get more likes and comments then anything else and you mistake that for real love but it's far from it because you find real love in the love of your life, move away, fill out more because this man can COOK the whispers start again but mostly they are in your own head and he tries to quiet them, but you put up a shield of "body positivity" and "self love" but you don't even really believe any of that either, meanwhile he can only do so much and you desperately want to see yourself the way he sees you so you take up running and you love it for awhile but to be honest you love the praise more; people like you again because you're skinny again and now you are dedicated to staying palatable even though you have a husband and two wonderful children who truly love you just the way you are but then little things called COVID and PERIMENOPAUSE hit at the exact same time and once again you are accused of being depressed, hiding away from the world, and not taking care of yourself; you are just trying to SURVIVE when you have a crushing realization - while the goal posts look the same they are always moving and if they are constantly moving how can you win?!?

The answer is "you can't" 

The game is rigged. The game has always been rigged.

And then you get mad....

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