bEWARE

Beware of those

who shame you into

explaining yourself

over and over again

as if something is wrong

with the way you think

the way you see

the world

beware of those

who demand you justify

your every word

emotion

feeling

stare at you harder

as your lip trembles

stabbing you over and over

and then calling you

"too sensitive"

BEWARE of those

who shame your need

for clarity

fairness

Who praise your anxiety

When your mental illness serves them

Only to call you out in meetings about it

So you always know where you stand

Until you stand, shaking,

bruised, beaten

Only to collapse in tears and fear

"We think the wounds are self inflicted doctor."

"You sure about that?" the grizzled TV doc says as he examines the patient's

ribs and chest

with red, watery eyes

"Pretty sure," the young intern argues.

"Pretty sure, uh?" The doc says flatly. "Well, I'm afraid my 17 years of medical practice trumps your 'pretty sure.' Some wounds are made to seem self inflicted. It's kind of the point," Dr. Grizzle says as he takes a sip of the shitty hospital coffee that makes up 33% of his bloodstream.

The intern's mouth opens and closes a view times.

"Ah. We still aren't getting it," Dr. Grizzle says. "She's beaten down. Convinced everything is simultaneously her responsibility and her fault. Convinced she doesn't do anything right. That the constant ache she feels is because she failed her body. Failed expectations. Not because every 'failure' was a calculated blow designed to inflict invisible pain. Pain she was convinced she deserved. Stress she brought on herself. Pain she made up. Real pain she didn't know how to handle. Looking to the wrong people for guidance. Validation..."

Dramatic Pause

"Because she had to be good at SOMETHING because ANYTHING could turn into another failure to be discussed amongst "family." Another thing she fucked up. The PTSD diagnosis makes sense now..." Grizzle Doc PhD trails off.

"What PTS...?" the Intern starts to ask.

"Of course!" Dr. Grizzle rounds on the young man. "How stupid of me! I just assumed you read all of her chart. PTSD. Body Dysmorphia. Anxiety. She's got it all! And every time she takes any steps to help herself - to free herself - the goal posts are moved. The claws come out. Now she's doing too much, yet somehow, not enough. And sometimes...people take advantage of that. They can smell the people pleasing a mile away. The know just how to sink those claws in, keeping people like her closer, but at their own detriment. It's almost worse to run away. See...the wounds appea to be self inflicted because they are..."

"THAT'S WHAT I SAID!" The Intern snaps as Grizzle Doc finishes with "in part."

The Intern looks straight up terrified but Grizzle keeps his cool. The point is to teach, not to scare him for all eternity.

Ok maybe for a little bit of eternity.

"If you had let me finish," Dr. Grizzle says calmly. "You would have heard that yes, they are IN PART self inflicted. Because she allowed herself to be treated like this. Gaslighted her self into thinking she was the entire problem. And that caused her to make bad decisions. Really bad decisions. Including not only allowing the mistreatment to continue, but embracing it, convinced it was best practice."

"But there is a certain point where it's just...mean. Plain and simple. Like kicking someone when they're down. Someone who had already waved the white flag. Said 'I give up. Please don't do this anymore.' Then they go radio silent. Instead of investigating, caring - they assumed she was just nursing her pretend wounds, being a baby, like always. Meanwhile, she was bleeding out. She wasn't asking for someone to rescue her. She just wanted someone to care."

"Seems so unfair," a nurse mutters.

"Life's unfair Nurse Torple," the doctor says sauntering away. "If it was, I'd be four inches taller and 13 million dollars richer."

Roll credits

bEWARE of false prophets

in Athleisure

and 15 percent off

with their coupon code

and your soul

It sounds dramatic

but that's because it's true

a false community and snake oil salesmen

Giving snakes a bad a name

Making you sicker so you keep coming back

Convinced you're at fault. And everything is a punishment. A judgement.

It's safer inside the prison walls. Where things make sense.

You know your place.

You hate your place.

But it's familiar

It disgusts you

But it's where you belong

Or is it

You can see the light starting to break through, with the dark providing the background vocals.

bEWARE of those who preach purity, toxic positivity and boo at you from the crowd

as you try to sing

See who sticks around when your show gets cancelled

bEWARE of the tourists who won't stay

You may be left with nothing

a broken window

a shattered heart

a sparkling void

voices

ancients

something talks to me from beyond

It turns out all the things

I was supposed to be scared of

that were supposed to be dangerous

painful

evil

are the good guys

my emotional support cosmic horror

bEWARE

The monsters aren't who you think they are

it's prettier that way