Make yourself proud, and you’ll always be proud

DISCLAIMER: “Imposter Syndrome” is steeped in privilege. I recognize the fact that I am even able to write about it is proof that I have had opportunities others do not. However, I realize it can take many different forms in many different places. Please know that if you have experienced Imposter Syndrome, in whatever way, your feelings are valid.

First, let’s start with facts.  Imposter Syndrome is defined as “a persistent unjustified feeling that one’s success is fraudulent. Imposter syndrome is characterized by doubt in one’s abilities—despite a record of achievement or respect from one’s peers—and a fear of having one’s unworthiness exposed.” (www.britannica.com/topic/imposter-syndrome)

Second, let’s talk about feeling.  For me, Imposter Syndrome presents as:

·         Constantly apologizing for literally everything but especially taking up space.

·         Not speaking up because I know I’ll just be shut down.

·         Letting people interrupt me or talk over me.

·         Killing myself for a simple compliment or accolade because that’s what fed me.

·         Not recognizing my own skills, expertise and accomplishments.

·         Thinking everyone is right, and I am wrong. This could be a blog by itself.

·         Not standing up for myself.

·         Being too emotional or sensitive because all of the above.

Any of this sound familiar? For me, Imposter Syndrome is just another form of people-pleasing – making myself smaller, downgrading and doubting myself so I didn’t get in the way of others. It is engrained in our DNA to seek out other people, to belong. For me, that meant being whoever other people wanted me to be, just to get them to welcome me in. Trying to relate to them in any way I could.  And most of the time, those people didn’t even like me that much. OK. That’s not exactly fair. Most of them didn’t know the real me. That’s as much my fault, as it is theirs.  Like the Iconic Taylor Alison Swift once said:

"No one wanted to play with me as a little kid

So, I've been scheming like a criminal ever since

To make them love me and make it seem effortless"

I would throw myself into trying to be the person I thought I needed to be for others. Even if it hurt. Even it wasn’t fair. Even if I drove myself frantic trying to decode their passive aggressive jabs and meet their invisible yet increasingly high expectations. And I failed. I failed repeatedly. So, I thought myself a failure. Someone who couldn’t do anything right.  I would let slivers of my light shine through, and I got close at times. I thought I had finally figured out, only for me to self-sabotage (another form of people pleasing) or have others shame me for daring to be different. And don’t even get me started on what this job market can do to exacerbate ALL this.

Here’s the tea though. Everyone is an imposter.  Every. Single. Person.  None of us know what we are doing.  Life is all about figuring it out.  You figure one thing out and you move onto the next. You don’t have to do ONE thing. You don’t HAVE to be a brand. You’re a human. Not a commodity.  You don’t have to be THE expert on…well ANYTHING!  You can just be you!  You can mess up, you can excel. You can decide something is not for you and move on. You can also fall in love with a thousand things and do them all.  You just have to try.

If you at least try, you never fail.

Make yourself proud, and you’ll always be proud.

I have learned more about myself in the last three weeks than I even thought possible. I’ve opened myself up to learning, different opportunities, new experience, BIG DREAMS, and most importantly, not FORCING myself to have it all figured out.  Not assuming failure before I even begin. I’ve been using planning and preparedness as coping mechanisms for as long as I can remember. I thought that’s what made me a good employee, a good person. I was wrong. My adventurous and learning spirt make me a good person who happens to be an excellent employee. The real me, not that imposter, is why I will succeed. I know it. There are things I want to that I have NO idea how to make happen, but I know they will. I feel it in my bones. I don’t know how, why, where or when. But that’s for the Universe and I figure out along the way.  The journey is part of the fun.  Because when you stop living for other people, places and things, that’s when the real magic happens. Live in your truth and be the authentic self and the human you were meant to be.  You never feel like an imposter again, because you can’t be an imposter when you aren’t. 

I know all of this is much easier said than done. There are demons to conquer, trauma to overcome and barriers to bulldoze. For the first time in a very long time, my chin is up, and my eyes are bright and open.  The view can be scary and confusing, but my heart tells me there are wonderful things ahead. There will be questions but also answers. There will also be adventure. And I have everything I need within me to make it happen.

There’s no faking that.